Spanked

We have been using the command 'down' very successfully. (For when he wants me to suck him-its shorter and turns me on, obviously)
I took the initiative last night and undid his flies and boxers. He puts his hands behind his head and looks very smug with himself! I said he was very bad for always trying to push it up to the back of my throat of late. He said he couldn't help it.
He also tends to undress me when he's getting sucked, which is difficult. Captures my mouth in a kiss, and runs his fingers over my cunt, over my underwear. I drip onto his cock.
He flips me quite violently onto my back, no concern for my welfare. It was hot. Pinned my wrists and basically ravaged me.
Later I was lay over him, nibbling his neck.
'Will you do the thing with the belt?' I asked coyly.
'What thing?'
I don't know if he just wants to humiliate me by making me ask out loud (I always say 'cunt' but he was making me say 'pussy' loudly at one point, chant it, because he knows I find it a difficult word to say.) or he's just forgetful.
'I don't want to say, I ask for things over msn, I don't want to say them out loud.'
'Ask me.'
'Will you..Hit me with your belt?'
'Yeah, go get it.'
I scampered over and lay on my front.
'How do you want me to do this?' He asked. He's spanked me before-with his hand and a hairbrush, but not properly with a belt..Only jokey flicks.
'What do you mean?' I asked, trembling.
Well, like this..' He slapped me with the end of his belt. '..Or, like this?' He folded the belt over and hit me with the folded edge. It seemed to sting more.
'Second one..' I bit out.
He's skilled..He gives me warm-up spanks, and gently runs a hand over my sore skin.
He teases me though..Makes me flinch when I THINK the belt is coming, but doesn't deliver it. Does it several times. Laughs at me. Whacks me with the belt hard.
At first I could bite back the noise, but 'Ow' keeps escaping. Then guttural noises.
'Shut up' He warns me. But I can't. I love the way he runs a hand over my arse after whacking it, though.
'You're gonna have to stop' I pant, after about ten minutes.
He does, which is great. I say 'is my arse red?' He says bright red, but I can't really see, or move to look in the mirror. The camera on the phone makes my arse look orange.
I felt really ashamed after being properly spanked. 'I don't want to be into it..it's weird!' I whine.
'YOU'RE weird.' He teases.
There was a really lovely bit of the evening where we sat together and looked at bondage toys on the internet together. We wanted quite a lot. He wants to get me a 'slave' wristband. I felt really bonded with him, it was just genuinely nice.
I have been liking it with him on top, then from behind of late. One of the times last night though, I must have whined 'You're SO good' about 5 times. That must sound really odd but I just can't believe how awesome he is sometimes. I told him I feel like I don't deserve to be having sex with him.
I have really, really terrible self-esteem. Sometimes I don't feel desired by him.
Or that he's going to leave me.